SEX EDUCATION, TEENAGE PREGNANCY, SEX IN ISLAM AND MARRIAGE
SHAHID ATHAR
If you tell kids about sex, they'll do it. If you tell them about VD,
they'll go out and get it. Incredible as may seem, most oppositions
to sex education in this country are based on the assumption that
knowledge is harmful. But research in this area reveals that ignorance and
unresolved curiosity, not knowledge, are harmful. Our failure to tell children what they want and need to know is one reason we have the highest
rates of out-of-wedlock teens pregnancy and abortion of any highly
developed country in the world."
"What Kids Need to Know,"
Psychology Today, October 1986. Dr. Sol Gordon,
Professor Emeritus, Syracuse University,
and an expert on sex education
"Say: Are they equal those who know, and those who do not know?"
(39:9). "Blessed are the women of the Helpers. Their modesty did not
stand in the way of their seeking knowledge about their religion"
(Bukhari and Muslim).
INTRODUCTION
Although the Quran has placed so much emphasis on acquiring
knowledge, and in the days of Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) Muslim men and
women were never too shy to ask him questions including those related
to private affairs such as sexual life, for Muslim parents of today, sex is a
dirty word. They feel uncomfortable in discussing sex education with
their children, but do not mind the same being taught at their children's
school by secular or non-Muslim teachers (of even the opposite sex), by
their peers of either sex, and by the media and television. An average
child is exposed to 9000 sexual scenes per year.
These parents should know that sex is not always a dirty word. It is
an important aspect of our life. God Who cares for all the aspects of our
life, and not just the way of worshipping Him, discusses reproduction,
creation, family life, menstruation and even ejaculation in the Quran.
Prophet Muhammad (PBUH), who was sent to us as an example, discussed
many aspects of sexual life including sexual positions with his
Companions.
The main reason Muslim parents do not or cannot discuss sex education with their children is because of the their cultural upbringing, not
their religious training. They are often brought up in a state of ignorance
in regard to sex issues. As a result, they may not be comfortable with their
own sexuality or its expression. They leave Islamic education to Islamic
Sunday schools and sex education to American public schools and the
media.
WHAT IS SEX EDUCATION AND WHO SHOULD GIVE IT?
Is sex education about knowing the anatomy and physiology of the
human body or about the act of sex or about reproduction and family life
or about prevention of sexually transmitted diseases and unwanted pregnancy? Is giving sex ed equivalent to permission in engaging in sex? One sex educator at my son's school told the parents, "I am not planning to tell
your children whether or not they should engage in sex or how to do it but
in case they decide to do it, they should know how to prevent sexually
transmitted diseases (STD), venereal diseases (VD), acquired immune
deficiency syndrome (AIDS) and pregnancy."
The problem with this is that at the present time sex ed as taught in
the public schools is incomplete. It does not cover morality associated
with sex, sexual dysfunctions and deviations and the institution of marriage.
One of the basic questions is, "Do children need sex education?" Do
you teach a baby duck how to swim or just put it in the water and let it
swim? After all, for thousands of years men and women have been having sex without any formal education. In many traditional civilizations,
sex education starts after marriage and with trial and error. Some couples
learn it faster than others and do it better than others due to difference in
sexual perception and expression of one partner. In my opinion having a
dozen children is not necessarily proof of their love. An appropriate and
healthy sex education is crucial to the fulfillment of a happy marriage.
With regard to the question who should teach sex ed, I believe everyone has to play his or her role. Parents have to assume a more responsible role. A father has a duty to be able to answer his son's questions and
a mother has the same duty to her daughter. We can hardly influence the
sex ed taught in public schools or by the media, but we can supplement
that with an ethical and moral dimension adding family love and responsibility. Apart from these players, some role can be played by Sunday
school teachers, the family physician, the pediatrician and the clergy.
Within a family, the older sister has a duty towards the younger one and
the elder brother has a duty towards younger ones.
Figure 1: Pregnancy Profile (reprinted with the permission of Time Magazine).
Figure 2: An American Dilemma (reprinted with the permission of Time Magazine).
SEX EDUCATION IN AMERICAN SCHOOLS
Sex education is given in every American school, public or private,
from grades 2 to 12. The projected 1990 cost to the nation was $2 billion
per year. Teachers are told to give technical aspects of sex ed without
telling the students about moral values or how to make the right decisions. After describing the male and female anatomy and reproduction,
the main emphasis is on the prevention of venereal diseases and teenage
pregnancy. With the rise of AIDS, the focus is on 'Safe Sex' which means
having condoms available each time you decide to have sex with someone
you don't know. With the help of our tax dollars, about 76 schools in the
country have started dispensing free condoms and contraceptives to those
who go to school health clinics. Very soon there will be vending machines
in school hallways where 'children' can get a condom each time they feel
like having sex.
The role of parents is minimized by American sex educators and
sometimes ridiculed. In one of the sex ed movies I was made to watch a
film called, "Am I Normal?" as a parent at my son's school. Whenever the
young boy asks his father a question about sex, the father, shown as a bum
and a slob, shuns him and changes the topic. Finally the boy learns it from
a stranger and then is shown going into a movie theater with his girlfriend.
Sex education as promoted by some Western educators is devoid of
morality is in many ways unacceptable to our value system. The examples
of the teachings of one such educator are:
a. Nudity in homes (in shower or bedroom) is a good and healthy way
to introduce sexuality to smaller (under 5) children, giving them an opportunity to ask questions. At the same time, in the same book, he also states
that 75% of all child molestation and incest (500,000 per year) occur by a
close relative (parent, step-parent or another family member).
b. A child's playing with genitals of another child is a permissible
'naive exploration' and not a reason for scolding or punishment. He is also
aware that boys as young as 12 have raped girls as young as 8. We don't
know when this 'naive exploration' becomes a sex act.
c. Children caught reading dirty magazines should not be made to feel
guilty, but parents should use it as a chance to get some useful points
across to him or her about sexual attitudes, values and sex exploitation,
Like charity, pornography should start at home!
d. If your daughter or son is already sexually active, instead of telling
them to stop, the parent's moral duty is to protect their health and career
by providing them information and means for contraception and avoiding
VD. Maybe this its true for rebellious teens and their submissive parents!
Educators like the one referred to above do not believe that giving
sexual information means giving the OK for sex. I just wonder as to why
some folks after being told the shape, color, smell and taste of a new fruit,
and pleasures derived from eating it, would not like to try it? These educators say that even if your child does not ask any questions about sex,
parents should initiate the discussion using i.e. a neighbors pregnancy, a
pet's behavior, advertisement, popular music or a TV show. I wonder why
these educators are obsessed with loading children with sexual information whether they want it or not.
THE MORE THEY KNOW IT - THE MORE THEY DO IT
Sex education in American schools has not helped decrease the
teenager incidence of VD or teenage pregnancy. This is because it has not
changed their sex habits. According to Marion Wright Elderman,
President of the Children' Defense Fund, in a recent report, out of every
twenty teens, ten are sexually active but only four use conceptions, two
get pregnant and one gives birth. In 1982, a John Hopkins study found one
out of every five 15 year olds, and one in three 16 year olds are sexually
active. The incidence increased to 43% in 17 year olds. The Louis Harris
poll in 1986 found that 57% of the nations 17 year olds, 46% of 16 year
olds, 29% 15 year old were sexually active. Now it is estimated that about
80% of girls entering college had sexual intercourse at least once. Going
to church does not help either. 1438 teenagers, mostly white, attending
conservative evangelical church were sent questions about their sex life.
26% of 16 year olds, 35% of 17 year olds, and 43% of 18 year olds said
they had sexual intercourse at least once. 33% that responded also said sex
outside of marriage was morally acceptable.
HAZARDS OF EARLY SEX
The health hazards of early sex includes sexual trauma, increase in
incidence of cervical cancer, sexually transmitted disease and teenage
pregnancy. We will take up each individually. A variety of injuries are possible and do happen when sex organs are not ready for sex in terms of full
maturation. Some of these injuries have a long lasting effect. Cervical
cancer has been thought to be related to sex at an early age and with multiple partners. Dr. Nelson and his associates in their article on epidemiology of cervical cancer call it a sexually transmitted disease,
TEENAGE PREGNANCY
About one million or more teenage girls become pregnant every year,
at a rate of 3000 per day, 80% of whom are unmarried. Out of this I million, about 500,000, decide to keep their baby, and 450,000 are aborted
(or ? murdered). 100,000 decide to deliver and give the baby up for adoption. In 1950 the incidence of birth from unmarried teenagers was only
13.9%, but in 1985 it increased to 59%. It is a myth that teenage pregnancy is a problem of the black and poor. To the contrary 2/3 teens getting pregnant now are white, suburban and above the poverty income
level. The pregnancy rate (without marriage) in 54,000 enlisted Navy
women is 40% as compared to 17% in the general population.
What is the life of those who have teenage pregnancy? Only 50%
complete high school and more than 50% of them are on welfare. They
themselves become child abusers and their children, when grown up, have
82% incidence of teenage pregnancy. 8.6 billion dollars are spent every
year for the financial and health care support of teenage mothers.,
The sexual revolution of the 60's has affected another dimension of health
care. In 1985 alone, 10 million cases of chlamydia, 2 million cases of
gonorrhea, I million venereal warts, 0.5 million genital herpes and
90,000 syphilis were diagnosed. The plague of AIDS is adding a new
twist to our fears. 200,000 cases have been diagnosed in the US alone, out
of which 50% have already died. The disease is growing at a rate of one
case every 14 minutes and so far there is no effective treatment. Father
Bruce Ritter in New York, who operates shelters for runaway children,
says the biggest threat to the nation's 1 million runaways is the threat of
AIDS now.
WHY DO CHILDREN GET INVOLVED IN SEX?
There are many reasons why children get involved in sex. The most
common is peer pressure. Their common response is "since everybody is
doing it." One of the reasons is their desire for sexual competence with
adults and a way to get ahead. Another common reason is their lack of
self-esteem which they want to improve by becoming a father or mother.
Sometimes it is due to a lack of other alternatives to divert their sexual
energies. It could also be due to a lack of love and appreciation at home.
Detachment from home can lead to attachment elsewhere. Sexual pressure on them is everywhere, at school from their peers, from the TV
where about 20,000 sexual scenes are broadcasted in advertisement, soap
operas, prime time shows and MTV. The hard core rock music nowadays
fans the flames of sexual desires. Most parents do not know what kind of
music their children are hearing. If they care and listen to rock songs like
Eat Me Alive (Judas Priest), Purple Rain (Prince), Losing It (Madonna),
The Last American Virgin, Papa Don't Preach, Private Dancer (Tina
Turner), Material Girl (Madonna) and Cyndi Lauper's songs, they will
know what they are talking about. The songs have pornographic words
and sentences which made Kandy Stroud, a former rock fan, begged parents to stop their children from listening to what she calls 'Pornographic
Rock'. This shows music does affect our sexual mood. It does so by activating melatonin, the hormone from the pineal gland in the brain which is
turned on by darkness and turned off by flashing lights. It is the same
gland which has been thought to trigger puberty and affects the reproductive cycle and sex mood.
WHAT IS THE TRUE ROLE OF PARENTS?
American educators are putting the blame for their failures (i.e.
teenage pregnancy) on the parents. In fact in Wisconsin and many other
states the grandparents of a baby born to a teenager are responsible for the
financial support of the child. Remember parents are not needed if their
teenage daughter needs contraceptives or abortion. Faced with such
hypocrisy, the parents job is to instill in their teenagers mind what is not
taught in sex ed classes, i.e. reason not to engage in sex, reason not to get
pregnant, etc. At the same time, they should divert their energies to some
productive activities like community work, sports, character growth, or
Sunday schools. Another role of parents is to help their children make the
right decisions.
In Islam anything which leads to wrong is also considered wrong.
Therefore parents should control the music children are listening to or the
TV program they are watching, the magazines they are reading, and the
clothes (which may provoke desire in the opposite sex) they are wearing.
While group social activity should be permitted with supervision, dating
should not be allowed. When American teenagers start dating, sex is on
their mind.
In fact during a recent survey, 25% of college freshman boys responded by saying that if they have paid for the food and the girl does not go
all the way, they have a right to force her to have sex. Many of the rapes
occur at the end of the date and are not reported. Anything which breaks
down sexual inhibition and loss of self-control i.e. alcohol, drugs, parking, petting or just being together for two members of the opposite sex in
a secluded place should not be allowed for Muslim teenagers. Kissing and
petting is preparing the body for sex. The body can be brought to a point
of no return.
In summary Muslim parents should teach their children that they are
different from non-Muslims in their value system and way of life. Having
a feeling and love in your heart for someone of the opposite sex is different and beyond control, while expression of the same through sex is
entirely different and should be under control. Muslim children should be
told that they don't drink alcohol, eat pork, take drugs, and they don't
have to engage in pre-marital sex either.
ISLAMIC CONCEPT OF SEXUALITY
Islam recognizes the power of sexual need, but the subject is discussed in the Quran and the saying of Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) in a serious manner, in regard to marital and family life. Parents should familiarize themselves with this body of knowledge.
SAYINGS OF PROPHET MUHAMMAD
1. "When one of you have sex with your wife, it is a rewarded act of
charity." The Companions were surprised and said, "But we do it purely
out of our desire. How can it be counted as charity?" The Prophet replied,
"If you had done it with a forbidden woman, it would have been counted
as a sin, but if you do it in legitimacy, it is counted as charity."
2. "Let not one of you fall upon his wife like a beast falls. It is more
appropriate to send a message before the act."
3. "Do not divulge the secrets of your sex life with your wife to another person nor describe her physical feature to anyone."
CONCEPT OF ADULTERY IN ISLAM
God says in the Quran, "Do not go near to adultery. Surely it is a
shameful deed and evil, opening roads (to other evils)" (17:32). "Say,
'Verily, my Lord has prohibited the shameful deeds, be it open or secret,
sins and trespasses against the truth and reason"' (7:33). "Women impure
are for men impure, and men impure are for women impure and women
of purity are for men of purity, and men of purity are for women of purity" (24:26). Prophet Muhammad (PBUH), has said in many place that adultery
is one of the three major sins. However the most interesting story is that
of a young man who went to the Prophet and asked for permission to fornicate because he could not control himself. The Prophet dealt with him
with reasoning and asked him if he would approve of someone else having illegal sex with his mother, sister, daughter or wife. Each time the man
said 'no'. Then the Prophet replied that the woman with whom you plan
to have sex is also somebody's mother, sister, daughter or wife. The man
understood and repented. The Prophet prayed for his forgiveness.
Adultery is a crime not against one person but against the whole of
society. It is a violation of marital contract. 50% of all first time marriages
in this country result in divorce in two years and the main reason for
divorce is the adultery of one of the partners. Adultery, which includes
both pre-marital and extra marital sex, is an epidemic in this society.
Nobody seems to listen to the Bible which says frequently, "Thou shall
not commit adultery." The Quranic approach is, "Do not approach adultery."
What does it mean that not only is illegal sex prohibited, but anything
which leads to illegal sex is also illegal? These things include dating, free
mixing of the sexes, provocative dress, nudity, obscenity and pornography. The dress code both for men and women is to protect them from
temptation and desires by on lookers who may lose self-control and fall
into sin. "Say to the believing men that they should lower their gaze and
guard their modesty; that will make for greater purity, and God is well
acquainted with all they do. And say to the believing woman that they
should lower their gaze, and guard their modesty" (24:30-3 1).
CONCEPT OF MARRIAGE IN ISLAM
Islam recognizes the strong sexual urge and desire for reproduction.
Thus Islam encourages marriage as a legal sexual means and as a shield
from immorality (sex without commitment). In Islam the marriage of a
man and woman is not just a financial and legal living arrangement, not
even just for reproduction, but providing a total commitment to each
other, a contract witnessed by God. Love and joy of companionship is a
part of the commitment. A married couple assumes a new social status and
responsibility for himself, his wife and his children and for the community. The Quran says, "Among His signs is that He created consorts for you
from among yourself, so that you may find tranquillity with them, and
(He) set love and compassion between you. Verily in this are signs for
people who reflect" (30:21).
SAYINGS OF PROPHET MUHAMMAD
"Marriage is my tradition. He who rejects my tradition is not of me"
(Bukhari, Muslim).
"Marriage is half of religion. The other half is being Godfearing"
(Tabarani, Hakim).
In Islam there is no fixed rule as to the age of marriage. It is becoming fashionable for young Muslim men not to marry until they have completed their education, have a job, or reached age 26-30 or more.
Similarly young Muslim girls say they want to marry after age 24. Why?
When asked, they say, "I am not ready for it." Not ready for what? Don't
they have normal sexual desire? If the answer is yes, then they have only
one of the two choices a) marry or b) postpone sex (abstinence until they
marry). The Quran says, "Let those who find not the where withal for
marriage, to keep them selves chaste till God find them the means from
His Grace" (24:33).
The Prophet said, "Those of you who own the means should marry,
otherwise should keep fasting for it curbs desires" (Ibn Massoud). The
Western reason for delaying marriage is different than ours. When I suggested this to one of my sexually active young female patients, she bluntly said, "I don't want to sleep with the same guy every night."
ROLE OF MUSLIM PARENTS AND MUSLIM ORGANIZATIONS
I am not proposing that all Muslim youth be married at age 16. But I
must say that youth should accept the biological instinct and make decisions which will help to develop a more satisfied life devoted to having
a career rather than spending time in chasing (or dreaming about) the
opposite sex. Parents should help their sons and daughters in selection of
their mate using Islamic practice as a criteria and not race, color or
wealth. They should encourage them to know each other in a supervised
setting. The community organization has several roles to play.
a) To provide a platform for boys and girls to see and know each other
without any intimacy.
b) Offer premarital educational courses to boys and girls over 18 separately to prepare them for the role of father and husband and of mother
and wife. The father has a special role, mentioned by Prophet Muhammad
(PBUH), "One who is given by God, a child, he should give it a beautiful
name, should give him or her education, and training and when he or she
attains puberty, he should see to it that he or she is married. If the father
does not arrange their marriage after puberty, and the boy or girl is
involved in sin, the responsibility of that sin will lie with the father"
MARRIAGE OF MUSLIM GIRLS IN THE USA
Marriage of Muslim girls in this country is becoming a problem. I
was not surprised to read the letter of a Muslim father in a national magazine. He complained that in spite of his doing his best in teaching Islam
to his children, his college-going daughter announced that she is going to
marry a non-Muslim boy whom she met in college.
As a social scientist I am more interested in the analysis of the events.
To be more specific, why would a Muslim girl prefer a non-Muslim boy
over a Muslim? The following reasons come to mind:
- She is opposed to and scared of arranged marriages. She should be
told that not all arranged marriages are bad ones and that 50% of all love
marriages end up in a divorce in this country. Arranged marriages can be
successful if approved by both the boy and girl. That is, they need to be
a party to the arrangement. I am myself opposed to the blind arranged
marriage.
- Muslim boys are not available to her to make a choice. While parents have no objection or cannot do anything about non-Muslim boys
with whom she talks or socializes at school or college for forty hours a
week, she is not allowed to talk to a Muslim boy in the mosque or in a
social gathering. If she does, they frown at her or even accuse her of having a loss character. As a Muslim boy put it, "If I grow up knowing only
non-Muslim girls, why do my parents expect me to marry a Muslim
one?"
- Some Muslim boys do not care for Muslim girls. On the pretext of
missionary work after marriage, they get involved with non-Muslim girls
because of their easy availability. Muslim parents who also live with an
inferiority complex do not mind their son marrying an American girl of
European background but they would object if he marries a Muslim girl
of a different school of Islamic thought (Shiah/Sunni) or different tribe
like Punjabi, Sunni, Pathan, Arab vs. non-Arab, Afro-American vs. immigrant, or different class, Syed vs. non-Syed. Both the parents and the body
should be reminded that the criteria for choosing a spouse that was given
by the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) was not wealth nor color but Islamic
piety.
- She may have been told that early marriage, that is, age 18 or less,
is taboo and that she should wait until the age of 23 or 25. According to
statistics, 80% of American girls, while waiting to get settled in life and
married, engage freely in sex with multiple boyfriends. However, this
option is not available to Muslim girls. Every year nearly one million
teenage girls in this country who think that they are not ready for marriage, get pregnant. By the age of 24 when a Muslim girl decides that she
is ready for marriage, it may be too large for her. If she reviews the matrimonial ad section in Islamic magazines, she will quickly notice that the
boys of the age group of 25 to 30 are looking for girls from 18 to 20 year
age group. They may wrongfully assume that an older girl may not be a
virgin.
- She may also carry a wrong notion not proven scientifically that
marrying healthy cousins may cause congenital deformities in her offspring.
Thus, unless these issues are addressed, many Muslim girls in the US
may end up marrying a non-Muslim or remain unmarried.
CURRICULUM FOR ISLAMIC SEX EDUCATION
Islamic sex ed should be taught at home starting at an early age.
Before giving education about anatomy and physiology, the belief in the
Creator should be well established. As Dostoevsky put it, "Without God,
everything is possible," meaning that the lack of belief or awareness of
God gives an OK for wrongdoing.
A father should teach his son and a mother should teach her daughter.
In the absence of a willing parent, the next best choice should be a Muslim
male teacher (preferably a physician) for boys and a Muslim female
teacher (preferably a physician) for a girl at the Islamic Sunday school.
The curriculum should be tailored according to age of the child and
classes be held separately. Only pertinent answers to a question should be
given. By this I mean that if a five year old asks how he or she got into
mommie's stomach, there is no need to describe the whole act of intercourse. Similarly it is not necessary to tell a fourteen year old how to put
on condoms. This might be taught in premarital class just before his or her
marriage. A curriculum for sex ed should Include:
a. Sexual growth and development
* Time table for puberty
* Physical changes during puberty
* Need for family life
b. Physiology of reproductive system
* For girls- the organ, menstruation,
premenstrual syndrome
* For boys- the organ, the sex drive
c. Conception, development of fetus and
birth
d. Sexually transmitted disease (VD/AIDS)
(emphasize the Islamic aspect)
e. Mental, emotional and social aspects of
puberty
f Social, moral and religious ethics
g. How to avoid peer pressure
SEX EDUCATION AFTER MARRIAGE
This essay is not intended to be a sex manual for married couples,
although I may write such someday. I just wanted to remind the reader of
a short verse in the Quran and then elaborate. The verse is, "They are your
garments, and you are their garments" (2:187).
Husbands and wives are described as garments for each other. A garment is very close to our body, so they should be close to each other. A
garment protects and shields our modesty, so they should do the same to
each other. Garments are put on anytime we like, so should they be available to each other anytime. A garment adds to our beauty, so they should
praise and beautify each other.
For husbands I should say that sex is an expression of love and one
without the other is incomplete. One of your jobs is to educate your wife
in matters of sex especially in your likes and dislikes and do not compare
her to other women.
For wives I want to say that a man's sexual needs are different than a
women's. Instead of being a passive recipient of sex, try to be an active
partner. He is exposed to many temptations outside the home. Be available to please him and do not give him a reason to make a choice between
you and hellfire.
SELECTED REFERENCES
Annual Report of Children's Defense Fund. Northside Topics. January,
1988.
"Children Having Children." Time Magazine. December 9, 1985.
Cuffan, J. Report of Center for Disease Control. Indianapolis Star; June
14, 1988.
Dracula of Hormones. Newsweek Magazine. November 25, 1985.
Elam, A. and V. G. Ray. "Sexually Related Trauma: A Review." Annals
of Emergency Medicine, May, 1986, vol. 15:5, pp. 576-584.
Gordon, S. and 1. R. Dickman. "Sex Education-My Parent's Role
Public Affairs Pamphlet No. 549. Published by Public Affairs
Committee, 3 81 Park Ave. South, New York, NY 100 1 6.
Hatcher, Adams J. "Solving Teenage Pregnancy." Medical Aspects of
Human Sexuality. March, 1980, pp. 10-23.
Marvin, S. "How Adults Could Have Helped Me." Parade Magazine,
(Supplement to Indianapolis Star) August 21, 1988, pp. 4-7.
Mast, C. K. "How to Say No to Sex." Medical Aspects of Human
Sexuality. September, 1988, pp. 26-32.
Mast, C. K. Sex Respect: The Option of True Sexual Freedom. Bradley, 11:
Respect Inc., 1986, p. 41.
Muslim, Bukhari. Collection of Hadith.
Nelson, C. A. A Cancer Journal For Clinicians. American Cancer
Society. November-December, 1984.
Report On Sex Education. Time Magazine. November. 24, 1986.
Report on Teens: Sex Attitude Survey by Eight National Evangelical
Churchs. Indianapolis Star. February 2, 1988.
Richard, D. "Teenage Pregnancy and Sex Education in the Schools: What
Works And What Does Not Work," San Antonio Pregnancy Center,
1986, p. 6.
Stroud. "Stop Pornographic Rock." Newsweek Magazine. May 6. 1985.
Time Magazine. February 4, 1985, p. 85.
"What's Gone Wrong With Teen Sex?" People Magazine. April 13, 1987.
Williams, R. H. "Effects of Melatonins in Humans." Textbook of
Endocrinology, 6th Ed., p. 628.
Zamichow, N. Teenage Sex. Ladies Home Journal; October 1986, pp.
138-205.
WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE?
SHAHID ATHAR
Standard sex education today "tends to be morally bankrupt. It
begins with a biological description of sexual function and fertility
(known in the trade as the organ concert) and it ends with indoctrination in conception, abortion and venereal disease. Basic to this pedagogy is the belief that youngsters will not accept moral ideals and should
at least (or at most) be helped to cut their losses."
Father James Burtchaell
Raising children these days is not an easy job. No wonder many
Americans do not want to get married, and if they do, do not want to have
children. Each child needs the individual attention of both parents, and
time, a most precious gift that we are sometimes unable to find for our
children. Parents who were themselves raised either in a different country
or in a different generation, where peer pressure was different, have more
difficulty in raising today's children. They also do not get much help from
television or the school system. What kinds of suggestions do I have for
them.
First of all, I do not like using the phrase, 'setting limits'. No one likes
to take orders these days in this free society. A better term would be educated guidelines for both parents and youth. Even better is the term
'informed consent', the kind we use in medicine before asking a patient
to agree to a procedure or a test. Once a person is informed of the consequences of right and wrong, then he or she can make an intelligent decision. Unfortunately, smaller children are not able to make that decision
for themselves, so parents will have to do it for them until the child reaches the age of maturity.
Children have a right to be treated as people, in an environment that
is conducive for their growth and maturity and to become useful citizens.
Children have a right to love, care, discipline and protection from their
parents. Children have a right to receive education and financial protection for the future.
Parents have a right to receive love, respect and affection from their
children. Parents have a right to educate and discipline their children.
Parents have a right to know about their children and monitor other influences affecting them. Parents have a right to say no to unusual financial
and other demands of children.
The next question is, "Why set limits or give guidelines? Why not let
the boat sail without a sail in an uncharted sea?" If it does, most likely this
boat will end up at a destination where it never wanted to be. Thus, not
only do we need to prepare for the present but also for the future. All
those children who are adults now, who were reared with discipline,
appreciate what their parents did when they were children in terms of discipline, although it appeared at that time that the discipline was too
tough."
The next question becomes, "In what areas should we set limits? The
most important area is time management. Children, as well as adults,
waste too much time in watching TV, listening to music, talking on the
telephone, and other unnecessary activities. They must realize that whatever time they are wasting, they are taking it away from some more useful work like homework or housework. Therefore, they must set limits
and assign priorities with respect to their time management. Their health
comes first. Next comes homework and education and then time spent in
improving interpersonal relationships.
Another question is who should set the limit? Traditionally, it is seen
as the father's role and sometimes the mother's role, an elder brother for
a younger brother, or an elder sister for a younger sister. On the other
hand, the truth is the one who is better qualified and more experienced
should set the limits for the one who is less qualified and less experienced.
In terms of religion, the one with stronger faith and righteous deeds
should set limits for the one who has less, regardless of age. Sometimes it
is seen that the parents are less practicing Muslims than the children themselves. In that case, the children should advise the parents. Teachers have
a much greater role to play. However, the limits should be taken in the
light of permission and responsibility from God.
SOME SUGGESTIONS TO PARENTS
Choose a good neighborhood school. Know the teachers personally
and interact with them. Neglected children expose themselves to various
abuses. Supervise their homework.
Watch TV with your children and select good educational and entertainment programs. Comment on the negative aspects of the program. Cut
down TV time to less than twelve hours on weekdays and twenty-two
hours on weekends. Encourage outdoor activity. Encourage them to read
newspapers and good magazines
Growing children may not obey an order, but they will do things out
of love and respect for their parents. Love and respect on a mutual basis
is our best weapon against all the negative influences.
Parental love should be unconditional and not based on their achievements. Love should not be confused with permissiveness or overlooking
a child's faults. Pointing out faults of the child should not diminish the
love by the parents.
Children are not bom knowing all the rights or wrongs in social norm.
They need clear guidelines about good and bad behavior. The greatest
effect is the parent's attitude, example and behavior rather than words.
Parents should set the same standards for themselves as they set for their
children and share with them information of all kinds whether related to
the outside world or inside the family. It is not the knowledge which hurts
but the lack of it, or misuse of it, which causes problems.
Parents should help children to make appropriate decisions and be
responsible for them. Younger children can only make decisions about the
present (i.e., what clothes to wear that day), but older children can make
decisions that may affect their future, under parental guidance (i.e., selection of school, college and career). Children should be taught to share
household work, keep their desk and room clean, and how to handle their
'own' money. Let them spend all their money and suffer from the lack of
it.
The overprotective and anxious parent cannot raise a confident child
ready to deal with the real world. This child will feel danger everywhere.
While the child has to be supervised, he or she does not need the physical presence of the parent all the time. They should raise a strong child.
The parent who cannot say no to a child spoils the child. This child will
make unreasonable demands and put on a manipulative show. The parents
have to discipline themselves in order to discipline their children. Parents
who take sides in sibling rivalry encourage jealousy and hate. They
should not prefer boys over girls, fair complexions over dark ones, the
honor roll over an average student.
Neither party can influence the other unless they communicate. Find
a time and place to talk to your children. Children are sometimes in a 'bad
mood' upon returning from school, loaded with homework. The best time
to have a chat is during breakfast and evening dinner. During this time,
the parent can inform the child of all the good things he or she did that
day and ask the child the same and share his or her problems.
When you do argue, do it patiently, one person speaking at a time. Be
specific and separate emotion from facts. Speak in a low tone, Screaming
decreases the intake of the message.
Practice active listening from each other's view, even if you don't
agree. Refrain from sarcasm, name calling, humiliating, pointing your
finger, etc. Encourage each other even in areas of shortcoming, rather
than making fun or making a negative remark, i.e., if the child brings a B-
report, then instead of, "I doubt you will ever improve or pass your
exam," say, "B is better than C," and "I am sure you are talented enough
to do better. May I help you in the areas that you have difficulties in at
school?"
The purpose of giving them chores is to keep them busy as well as to
teach them responsibility. Initially it may be boring but eventually will
become routine. The assignment should be according to age and not the
sex of the child. However, children should not be forced into doing
things, or otherwise they will rebel. By the same token, they should not
be penalized for mistakes. The best payment for a job is a smile, hug,
thank you or praising the child in the presence of others, rather than
money. While it may be all right to give an allowance, it should not be tied
to the job.
SETTING LIMITS IN GENDER INTERACTION
In Islam intimate mixing of youth and adults of opposite sexes by
themselves is not permitted for social reasons. Thus we oppose dating and
all such activities. Nevertheless, there is a need for Muslim boys and girls
over eighteen to get to know each other so that when they attain the age
for marriage, hopefully, they will choose a Muslim spouse. This can be
done in a supervised setting whether during a community function,
mosque, ISNA or MYNA convention.
Talking to a non-mahram for business or religious reasons is permitted in Islam. Both boys and girls, men and women, should lower their
gaze, dress appropriately and talk in a business manner and not in a seductive way. The right of God is that He should be believed in, He should be
worshiped and He should be obeyed. Thus, if we set limits and discipline
ourselves, the reward is immense and includes not only success in this
world but also in the hereafter with the pleasure of God.
ROLE OF THE MUSLIM PHYSICIAN IN SEX EDUCATION
EL TIGANI ADAM HAMMAD
Today's sex eduction is " one of the most devastating things that can
possibly happen to any society and it certainly has overwhelmed
our society. For over one hundred years, established psychological
precepts, which have repeatedly been substantiated by clinical observations, reveal two important facts concerning human sexuality. The first is
that life-sustaining human sexual needs can only be fulfilled in an-affectionate, monogamous, heterosexual relationship. Sex educators do not
stress this fact enough. The second salient psychoanalytic fact is that, in
humans, unlike in any other creatures, three phases of sexual development
occur before mature adult sexuality is reached. The public school courses
given during each of these phases cause great harm to student and society
in general."
Melvin Anchell,
The New American,
May 11,1987
Sex education is only one facet of the multitude of social changes in
Westem societies that successfully transformed societal attitudes towards
previously strongly accepted and adhered to basic assumptions and principles. Capital punishment, mercy killing, abortion, homosexuality and
legalization of cannabis are further examples where ethical issues and
moral judgments seem to lack consistency with time in Western societies.
The rationalization of such perpetual attitudinal changes can partly be
found in the Freudian concept of the pleasure principle and his interpretation of human behavior as a function of aggression and sexuality. It can
partly be explained by a decline in spirituality and a tendency to embrace
materialism.
Islam defines the essence of life and rationalizes the creation of the
universe simply and explicitly, "I have created jinn and humankind only
that they might worship me" (51:56). "Life here is a vehicle to the hereafter." Thus Muslim life is to be based on submission and adherence to
the will of God and His instructions. These two contradictory approaches
to the perception of life are applicable to any major issue in existence
concerning the Muslim and non-Muslim. The choice is left to the individual which way to decide, bearing in mind the implications of his decision and accepting liability for his actions.
WHAT IS SEX EDUCATION?
Schofield writes in his book on promiscuity, "Intercourse and other
sexual activities are for pleasure and ought to be encouraged as such ... The
purpose of sexual intercourse is sexual enjoyment." He continues, "Sex
education, if it is to be any good, must help the pupil to adapt to new conditions, new ideas, different ethics, different values ...... Thus ethics and
values should change to serve the pleasure principle and should do so
early in life. The physical, biological, social and psychological aspects of
sexual life are taught to children and they are encouraged to practice and
experience them at an early age and even before adolescence. It is then
only logical to add the subjects of contraception, abortion and pomography to the syllabus in an attempt to avert undesirable consequences. As
one child put it, "How do we know we are not to be trapped in a marriage
that she wants, but we don't?"
IS THERE SEX EDUCATION IS ISLAM?
Islam comprises a total way of life. Each part of it needs to be seen
in the total context. Thus it is hard to take any major issue in life in isolation. Thus sexual life cannot be conceived of without marital and family life and these are all to be considered in relation to other Islamic teachings which regulate and control Muslim behavior.
Ibn al-Quyem in his book, Prophetic Medicine, assigned a full chapter to discussing the Islamic attitude to sexual and marital life, the interaction between the spouses, and the permissions and prohibitions concerning sexual intercourse between spouses. Muhammad Qutb in his
book, Islam the Misunderstood Religion, discussed the subject in two
chapters, one On Islam and Woman and the other, On Islam and Sexual
Repression. Reading through the Quran and the Traditions of the Prophet
there are many verses and Traditions about the creation of human life,
cleanliness and purity, interaction between tile spouses, and mention of
sexual intercourse between the spouses. In the explanation of these verses and Traditions, issues did arise, questions were asked and both sexes
were involved jointly or separately. The following important points can be
made:
1. In Islam sex has always been taken seriously and it should remain
so. It is not a subject for fun or mere absolute pleasure. It is never discussed obscenely or subjected to scrutiny. Decency and due respect
always characterize the subject.
2. Sex is never discussed in isolation for its sake or mere pleasure. It
is always related to marital life and family life. It is is viewed as a superior human relationship subject to strict regulations. Thus sex within a marital relationship is a worship that is rewarded. Outside a marital relationship sex is a punishable sin.
3. Sex is a privacy between the spouses. What goes on is confidential
and should not be divulged to outside parties. The human factor in marital and sexual relationship is superior to mere pleasure.
4. Legislation concerning sex is not subject to change by pressure
groups or change in social attitudes.
5. Like the rest of Islamic teaching, knowledge about those verses and
Traditions on the subject is not age-specific and is not meant to start at a
certain age. As the Muslim is leaming the Quran and Sunnah he or she
will come across these teachings.
THE ROLE OF THE MUSLIM PHYSICIAN
Here we have to consider several issues. Why should we concern ourselves with sex education? Why is the question asked at this time? Is sex
education such an important issue in Muslim life and Muslim society?
Furthermore, who needs sex education? How and when should it be made
available? Who should face the problem and provide the service? What
are the sources and means of information?
More specific questions are what are the bases of the theoretical principles that apply? What are the problems and dangers of practical application? This multitude of questions reflects my anxieties as a Muslim
psychiatrist who puts his faith and fear of God before his career and profession. My fear of committing a sin predates my enthusiasm of doing a
successful job.
However, it would be more positive and productive if the answers to
these questions were authenticated and qualified so as to stand criticism
and confront challenge. The question arises because sex education is part
of a package being delivered to Muslims by the Western civilization in an
attempt to dismantle them from their basic roots of Islamic life. This
package comprises abortion, insurance, contraception, liberal attitudes to
alcohol, dress and other anti-Islamic behavior. Unfortunately part of the
package has already been delivered, received and well digested. If we are
not careful there is worse to come. Nowadays such anti-islamic behaviors
and concepts are not necessarily delivered by missionaries and foreign
anti-islamic agents. Muslims professing to be liberalists, reformists or
saviours are doing the job.
HOW CAN A MUSLIM PHYSICIAN HANDLE THE PROBLEM?
Do we really have a role in sex education? What are our theoretical
principles and means of application? What are the ethical and moral
issues? The chances are there that once in lifetime a consultation may
involve a sexual problem. What can we do? The first requirement is a
combination of medical knowledge and Islamic orientation. One should
know where he stands. The second requirement is setting limits on moral
and ethical principles. And the third requirement is a knowledge of the
patient and his or her religious and moral orientation. If these requirements are satisfied then one may be facing one of three situations:
a. Sex education
b. Sexual deviation
c. Sexual dysfunction
If any of these situations arise outside a marital relationship, I can
hardly see myself helping somebody to continue such a relationship. It is
a sin to help abominations. If there is any education for non-marital relationships that would then be to stop them or suppress the desire. One cannot help these people at the expense of religious convictions and legislature. We cannot sacrifice Islam for those who move towards moral degradation or try to avoid the legal responsibility for their non-islamic sexual
behavior. Within a marital relationship how much can we indulge in sex
education? One can consider situations where spouses come for help but
one cannot go out of his or her way to preach sex education. Of course
people need to know the dangers of venereal disease, rape, illegitimacy
and criminal abortion but this should not by necessity be exclusively for
the medical profession to preach.
WHAT DO WE HAVE TO TEACH?
The Muslim doctor needs to understand thoroughly all that the Quran
has mentioned pertaining to sex and all that the Traditions of the Prophet
included concerning conjugal rights and how spouses should treat each
other concerning those conjugal rights. The Quran says, "So let man consider fools what he is created." "He is created from a gushing fluid that
issuesfrom between the loins and ribs." It goes on to say, "Did We not create you from a base fluid which We laid up in a safe abode for a known
term. Thus We arranged. How excellent is Our arranging."
This theme keeps recurring in the Quran and is always related to other
teachings. "Verily We created the human being from a product of wet
earth, then placed him as a drop in a safe lodging, then fashioned We the
drop a clot, then fashioned We the clot a little lump, then fashioned We the
little lump bones, then clothed the bones with flesh, and then produced it
as another creation-so blessed be God, the best of Creators."
In other chapters the Quran says, "Then lo! On the Day of
Resurrection you are raised." And, "There is enough here for Muslims to
reflect on-creation, death, resurrection." And, "They question you concerning menstruation. Say it is an illness so refrain from women during
menstruation and do not approach them until they are purified. Once they
purify themselves then enjoy them from where God has instructed you.
Truly God loves the repenters and those who care for purity" (4:222-223).
"Your women are a tilth for you (to cultivate) so enjoy your tilth the way
you wish and make an introduction for yourselves..."
What more details do we need to know to fulfill this human instinct.
The closest you can come to details is what happened between Joseph and
Zulayka. "And she approached him, she in whose house he was and she
bolted the doors and said I am ready for you. He said I seek refuge in
God-Lo! He is my Lord Who perfected my resort. Wrongdoers never
prosper She verily desired him and he desired her but he saw the sign of
his Lord. Thus it was that We might ward offfrom him evil and lewdness.
Lo! He was of Our chosen slaves and they raced to the door and she tore
his shirt from behind."
The Prophet (PBUH), says, "The best of you is the one who is best to his
family." He also said, "Beloved to me of your world are pleasant scents
and women." He once told the Companions, "And there is a reward for
what you deposit in the womb of your wife." They said, "Oh Messenger
of God, the one of us satisfies his desire and gets a reward for that." He
answered, "What if he deposits it in a prohibited womb? Isn't he going to
sin?" So if he deposits it in a permitted womb there is a reward for him.
But at the same time he instructed his Companions not to divulge
what goes on between them in private as husband and wife. He simulated that happening to a devil making love to a she-devil. He also instructed women not to describe the particulars of their female friends to their
husbands as if they can see the woman described. This is to avoid masturbation in fantasy and abominations.
The physician may have more to offer in cases of sexual dysfunction
within a marital relationship. He may find physical or organic pathology
that needs correction. He may detect psychological factors having an
impact on the sexual relationship. The physician has still to set limits to
how deep and far he can go. The decency and virtue of marital bondage
and privacy of such a relationship need not be obscenely dissected and
divulged to a third party, particularly if he or she be of the opposite sex.
and here the need for same sex therapists becomes important. Do we really need to worry that much about sexual